tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post5639115183178021722..comments2013-06-05T14:32:35.726-07:00Comments on Grok Rok, Eating Thoughts and Spitting Out Words: Profile Draft #2Espo Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650297284581144462noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-17094108250294379022013-05-20T23:19:13.604-07:002013-05-20T23:19:13.604-07:00 I enjoyed the additions you’ve made. You already ... I enjoyed the additions you’ve made. You already had a good, grounded scene that places your readers alongside with you, waiting for him to show, and I think you continued that well. All your details are wonderful and you seem to capture a lot. <br /> Right now, I am struggling to see the major point of the story. Of course, the idea of Indonesian Throat Singing itself is intriguing, but I feel like you can take it further and find a major theme that your reader can follow. We always ponder in class, “what is this piece really about?” I see myself with the generic “umm...a singer?” answer. I think finding that focus could greatly improve the piece and help tie together the terrific bits of scene and detail you had.<br /> Couple of other point: At one point, you say that he “spoke kind of like his parents” and I’m wondering how you know that? May 30th is still the date for the first fever night of spring. And all the quotes you provide were great, but at times I thought you could look to break them up a little more instead of just quote, quote. Although, at times I really liked it, like the section:<br /><br />“I like it to be as fun to watch as it is to listen to, but if it is too bright people feel too self-conscious.<br /><br />“Anytime is a good time to dance.<br /><br />“I dunno.”<br /><br /> So maybe I’m just nitpicking...Overall, I think your revisions were strong and that your piece is shaping up to be great.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16682133113272367148noreply@blogger.com