tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.comments2013-06-05T14:32:35.726-07:00Grok Rok, Eating Thoughts and Spitting Out WordsEspo Clarkhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650297284581144462noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-60732333219443406442013-06-05T14:32:35.726-07:002013-06-05T14:32:35.726-07:00This comment has been hidden from the blog.Emily Guzmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03397984109318486164noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-8100082309220932092013-06-05T14:00:47.155-07:002013-06-05T14:00:47.155-07:00This comment has been hidden from the blog.Brian Craighttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09724633455247311674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-54847422900674336702013-06-05T13:32:52.785-07:002013-06-05T13:32:52.785-07:00This comment has been hidden from the blog.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03518700240665674405noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-52215896183230752722013-06-05T13:31:15.819-07:002013-06-05T13:31:15.819-07:00This comment has been hidden from the blog.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16682133113272367148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-48191107115699336212013-06-05T13:20:04.964-07:002013-06-05T13:20:04.964-07:00This comment has been hidden from the blog.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04132454276081442309noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-10919200361619523232013-06-05T12:55:11.567-07:002013-06-05T12:55:11.567-07:00This comment has been hidden from the blog.Hannah Dalyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11529895698511253097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-81724597833587658572013-06-05T08:34:44.982-07:002013-06-05T08:34:44.982-07:00This comment has been hidden from the blog.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00790505716228767947noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-17094108250294379022013-05-20T23:19:13.604-07:002013-05-20T23:19:13.604-07:00 I enjoyed the additions you’ve made. You already ... I enjoyed the additions you’ve made. You already had a good, grounded scene that places your readers alongside with you, waiting for him to show, and I think you continued that well. All your details are wonderful and you seem to capture a lot. <br /> Right now, I am struggling to see the major point of the story. Of course, the idea of Indonesian Throat Singing itself is intriguing, but I feel like you can take it further and find a major theme that your reader can follow. We always ponder in class, “what is this piece really about?” I see myself with the generic “umm...a singer?” answer. I think finding that focus could greatly improve the piece and help tie together the terrific bits of scene and detail you had.<br /> Couple of other point: At one point, you say that he “spoke kind of like his parents” and I’m wondering how you know that? May 30th is still the date for the first fever night of spring. And all the quotes you provide were great, but at times I thought you could look to break them up a little more instead of just quote, quote. Although, at times I really liked it, like the section:<br /><br />“I like it to be as fun to watch as it is to listen to, but if it is too bright people feel too self-conscious.<br /><br />“Anytime is a good time to dance.<br /><br />“I dunno.”<br /><br /> So maybe I’m just nitpicking...Overall, I think your revisions were strong and that your piece is shaping up to be great.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16682133113272367148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-56873360339871129772013-05-08T14:30:55.723-07:002013-05-08T14:30:55.723-07:00Zac,
I dig your voice. Somehow I imagine you tell...Zac,<br /><br />I dig your voice. Somehow I imagine you telling me this story while you’re sitting in a shadowy area of a smoky coffeehouse (we somehow transported ourselves to a time when people could still smoke indoors). <br /><br />Your voice, however, portrays a bit too much boredom for me to hold onto the story. I got lost at a few points. As a reader, I felt like I was in a haze, which may be what you’re going for, but the haze should be more confined. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I can explain it more in workshop when I have the added bonus of hand gestures to get my point across. <br /><br />Overall, I feel like your writing transports me to a world that you don’t normally share with people. It’s a chill and inclusive insight to a world that seems exclusive to most. <br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00790505716228767947noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-72529568829639936362013-05-08T13:53:41.865-07:002013-05-08T13:53:41.865-07:00Zac,
Liking this funky band and this vivd piece. ...Zac, <br />Liking this funky band and this vivd piece. I think you really set up the scene and placed yourself in the piece effortlessly. <br />You have a way of writing with sound that drives your pieces, but also makes sentences difficult to understand at times. I think if I were to hear you read them aloud, I'd get it [excited to hear that at workshop,] it sounds like your real, person-to-person voice, but when reading it on the page, I think sometimes breaking down sentences or reducing the number of adjectives will make the work stronger. Overall very rich like Darrin said. Excited to hear how the next show went. Hannah Dalyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11529895698511253097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-15921434715091244822013-05-08T13:18:37.927-07:002013-05-08T13:18:37.927-07:00Zac,
I was drawn to your piece because of the uni...Zac,<br /><br />I was drawn to your piece because of the unique spin you put on it. You’re clearly very knowledgable of the music scene and I enjoyed reading your description of the bar and about people like Bo Tyler that you know. I think it makes you a trustworthy writer. Just in general, I like your writing style. Your use of diction and description is impressive, and makes for an interesting read. I thought that your description of Arrington’s voice was wonderful. I think it speaks a lot about him as an artist and person.<br /><br />I’m a little confused by the dialogue at the end because you stop providing the questions that you asked. It became a little difficult to follow.Overall I think you set up the profile very well. I like that it starts off with you waiting at the bar, then turns to your phone conversation and comes back to the bar scene. I’m excited to read the second half!<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03518700240665674405noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-80881049481329159702013-05-08T12:25:10.364-07:002013-05-08T12:25:10.364-07:00The descriptions of all the people in the band are...The descriptions of all the people in the band are really interesting. From the start about the stuffed animals and artwork, you create a attracting scene to the reader. The little details that you catch add up to be very cool. I thought you're description of Arrington was interesting, but once you started quoting him, I began to lose interest as there was just a long list of quotations without any interruption. I was also confused by the sense of time in this story; things seemed to jump around. I'm interested to see the next draft!Brian Craighttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09724633455247311674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-18620239219354538372013-05-08T12:09:08.916-07:002013-05-08T12:09:08.916-07:00Per usual, I love the descriptions you use. You ca...Per usual, I love the descriptions you use. You capture the whole scene very well and allow your readers to see the story as you tell it. I liked the description of his voice: "Egyptian cotton soaked in warm water, from all the matte tea he drinks." I like that this captures multiple parts of him. At times though, I got a little confused following the piece. Mostly, the dates kind of threw me for a loop, but I think you could look to improve the transition to really focusing on Arrington in the middle. A fantastic start.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16682133113272367148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-85308965129663225062013-05-08T12:00:16.674-07:002013-05-08T12:00:16.674-07:00I absolutely love your descriptions of the band-ma...I absolutely love your descriptions of the band-mates, especially as that was an issue that I had in mine. Each introduction and bit of dialogue was accompanied by colorful descriptions of actions and mannerisms, which kept me riveted to read more. These guys sound really quite fun to hang around. That said, There were a couple instances in which you tended to run on with your sentences. It's an infrequent occurrence, but something that should be noted nonetheless.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04132454276081442309noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-13142578226590541452013-05-07T19:09:05.581-07:002013-05-07T19:09:05.581-07:00also, just realized I'm not in your workshop g...also, just realized I'm not in your workshop group... free comment for you! but I'm really glad I stumbled upon thisCharlottehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01677679022092159842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-81706592077514001942013-05-07T19:07:26.022-07:002013-05-07T19:07:26.022-07:00Hey there,
Wow, I love this piece so far, it tota...Hey there,<br /><br />Wow, I love this piece so far, it totally caught my attention. I am finished reading it and don't really feel like I know who this guys is or what's going on or what he is talking about, but i don't really care because everything that you wrote here is so vivid and detailed. Plus I think the take-away is that your conversations with him were pretty uncohesive and all over the place, and I love that that comes through in the piece.<br /><br />I love how you set up the show, and write in the first person... even though the piece is primarily about your experience interviewing him, the focus on him is perfectly apparent. I don't really have any feedback for betterment of this piece until finished.. I really thoroughly enjoyed it.<br /><br />See you tomorrow!<br />CharlotteCharlottehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01677679022092159842noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-55541731843014196442013-04-24T14:49:57.474-07:002013-04-24T14:49:57.474-07:00Well, speaking first to the fact that I know you d...Well, speaking first to the fact that I know you don't smoke, that's probably the reaction that I would have. Otherwise, I don't necessarily disagree with you, but I don't know if I agree with you. I think that, although Franklin's tone could be indeed velvety (and not necessarily in a good way), I do think that it is sometimes about sludging through it. I can appreciate the desire to experiment, though. It's just difficult to experiment in a way that lends itself towards a great narrative.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04132454276081442309noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-30162370891656382972013-04-24T14:42:16.478-07:002013-04-24T14:42:16.478-07:00Which is right: my pessimism or my laziness?
Enc...Which is right: my pessimism or my laziness? <br /><br />Encouraging structure is fantastic--I wouldn't have a castle if I didn't have a hut before. But do we dream of the archway before or after the keystone. <br /><br />Struggling--no, starving would be more appropriate in relation to artists--for the write words seems like an afterthought. The gravy rather than the potatoes. <br /><br />Saying Franklin is wrong would be incorrect--it just rubs me the wrong way like paying college tuition means I receive an education. <br /><br />Perhaps I'm not being clear. But do we always have to be for readers to understand writing? Or just our perspective? <br /><br />Hurumph, maybe I should dream a way out of this circle of logic first before driving around in a hotboxed Cadillac through bat-country. <br /><br />Espo Clarkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08650297284581144462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-42042075029254237622013-04-24T14:34:35.728-07:002013-04-24T14:34:35.728-07:00Sounds about right, Zac.
All I know is that as a ...Sounds about right, Zac.<br /><br />All I know is that as a writer I want as many tools at my disposal as I can. Especially the good, effective ones.<br /><br />Of course we all write for different reasons and to different ends.Marinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17646435073582263560noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-23540782025156225232013-04-17T13:43:59.653-07:002013-04-17T13:43:59.653-07:00Ha!
Amazing how she creates a sense of timelessne...Ha!<br /><br />Amazing how she creates a sense of timelessness while also writing about a very particular moment in time. How does she achieve this?Marinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17646435073582263560noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-63755259279184863162013-04-10T15:01:31.293-07:002013-04-10T15:01:31.293-07:00This made me laugh out loud in the library. "...This made me laugh out loud in the library. "she and I will be coming on a year of consistent tolerance of each other’s pizza toppings." Classic. Great. SO much sass and voice and honesty. Really loved your roommate insisghts. I agree with Darrin that a little more direction would give the piece some structure. I think using a different intro other than homelessness would make me trust you more as a reader. It feels uncomfortable thinking you're going to be talking about homelessness when really it's living with a girlfriend and making your dorm into your roommates masturbation lair. It's just a little clash-y and problematic. Hannah Dalyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11529895698511253097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-45587339782826948852013-04-10T14:17:00.421-07:002013-04-10T14:17:00.421-07:00I think the strongest part of this piece is all of...I think the strongest part of this piece is all of this tension you create just within your mind, and your specific reflections/reactions to specific people and events, like Abby and your transition to vegetarianism. <br /><br />At some points, though, it feels less like personal essay and more like one long rumination or reflection on this idea of homelessness. I’d like to see more action, less rumination, and more of the “I” character, which I think gets lost sometimes. I wonder, then, if you can zoom in on one pivotal opportunity or event in this piece, like unchecking the student living box, or the moment you told your roommate you were moving out. It could also be interesting if the story started with a concrete description of the “month of homelessness” or the day you first went homeless. I think there are a lot of directions you can take this: privilege, financial concerns, your romantic relationship, your mango smoothie-drinking dad.....?Emily Guzmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03397984109318486164noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-29033250309547647072013-04-10T13:46:17.354-07:002013-04-10T13:46:17.354-07:00 Zac,
I really enjoyed reading this story! Honest... Zac,<br /><br />I really enjoyed reading this story! Honestly, when I read the first line I internally grumbled and thought, “Oh boy...another account of guilty white boy privilege”.... but your sarcasm and wit sets the tone for a smart and humorous piece. It’s pretty clear that you care immensely about Abby, but you’re not mushy or overwhelming at any point. Part of the strength of your voice is your use of relatable snippets of anecdotes, i.e. getting used to each other’s pizza toppings. Something as small as knowing the other person only likes cheese and mushrooms speaks greatly to the closeness and intimacy of a relationship (as silly as that sounds, I think it’s true). <br /><br />But, I don’t know if you want the focus of the piece to be that you opted to be homeless or you moved in with your girlfriend. You have a few criticisms of the privileged liberal arts institution here, which I loved, but I might try playing around with choosing a more definite direction. <br /><br />Also, your comments on your sexually liberated roommate are hilarious.<br /><br />Overall, your piece is great and funny and sassy. <br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00790505716228767947noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-31826858154157327712013-04-10T12:21:28.329-07:002013-04-10T12:21:28.329-07:00Your voice really shines through in this piece. O...Your voice really shines through in this piece. Of the many uses of humor, my favorite was the way in which you made fun of yourself and your homeless plight. I think that you give really great details as well about your relationship with your girlfriend, which shows what you’re like as a couple, and of you as well. The quirky things like the Beach Boys collection of records and your ‘80s speakers are great and add an unexpected depth to your piece. I think that you could focus a bit more on your time living with your girlfriend and her roommates a little less time speaking about your roommate and all the money your spending. The sex/masturbation jokes are funny at first, but I think a few too many of them were there than necessary. Additionally, I’d like to hear more about your girlfriend individually, so we can get a good idea of who she is and your dynamic with her. Finally, the first few paragraphs seem to ramble on a little bit.Brian Craighttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09724633455247311674noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4488102932065942155.post-1294734722605264292013-04-10T11:27:48.244-07:002013-04-10T11:27:48.244-07:00Well, Zac, I briefly talked to you in class earlie...Well, Zac, I briefly talked to you in class earlier about your piece, but here it is in depth. Your voice is quite present in your telling of your "plight," which lends a deeply personal aspect to the story. In addition to that, your idiosyncratic way of describing all aspects of your surroundings and relationships makes it an interesting read. That said, the first couple of paragraphs seem a wee bit rambleish, so it sounds like you're holding back what makes the following sections so great to read through. Instead of dismissing the issues with gesticulations, why not just tell it as it is, much like you do in the rest of the piece? It really is the language that you use that defines this piece and makes it a story worth reading. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04132454276081442309noreply@blogger.com